If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
