I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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