her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I've blown a few things in my day
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
should my penis look like a turkey
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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