so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
