just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
