Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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