Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
