I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
