can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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