...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
