Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
