I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
