are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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