It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
