I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
