who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
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