Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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