Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
