Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
