Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
