seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
