I CAN MOONWALK!
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
