he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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