I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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