Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
