We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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