i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
