Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
