my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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