Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
