Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
