ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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