and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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