I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
