I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize