I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
