there's paper in my vomit.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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