Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
