a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
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