never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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