I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
