I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
