I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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