Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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