I should be sponsored by Trojan
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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