i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
