If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
