i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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