Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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