I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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