Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize