God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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