He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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